Every time I open up Pagecord, I tell myself, "welcome back".

I really ought to stop meeting this way, as if I should be more committed and less flighty, but it also feels freeing in a sense.

In the current times of grief, I will take fun, low-pressure, and ease where I can.

Writing feels like something I can do while at ease, at least, when I take off the boxing gloves and let myself breathe into it.

The wonderful thing about writing in this way is that it does not demand, it is instead a dance between me, myself, and the words -- how can we express ourselves and delight in the synchronization?

How do we recover from fumbles when I step on the feet of the metaphor, the analogy, the communication I am attempting to seduce, to flirt with, to twirl around with?

Oh however we may stumble, get back up, get back up, get back up.

The music is still playing, there is still life to live, there is laughter to be had, so let us dance, dance, dance!

Thanks for being here.

Love you,

Nadine ♥

I have pursued far too much seriousness and forgot the balance of fun.

You have to live a little. Or a lot. We only get so much of life, might as well steal the moments of joy when we can. As often as we can. Right?

I keep oscillating between different options, different choices, where do I want to build and how do I want to build it?

Perhaps I have to admit to myself I'm a bit of a nomad, a traveler, someone who likes to tinker and dabble and try my hand at everything. I want to become obsessive, someone who knows all types of information on a specific area, but alas, that has eluded me.

It's more likely that I *think* I don't have a special interest, when in reality, I have A LOT of special interests over time.

But truly, it's hard to keep up with all the different tinkerings I've experimented with. Looking back, it does seem like I've lived a dozen different lives. And here I am again, attempting to start a new life, a new chapter, a new era of what it means to live in this newness.

The newness of losing a parent, my dad, and reconciling with the fact that the future I envisioned with them will no longer be possible.

My relationship with death has changed pretty tremendously, and it still continues unfolding to this day. I keep wanting to push myself to a conclusion, to the revelation of whatever my new life looks like already -- but there are things that you just can't rush. Seriously.

I just have to keep remembering that. You can't rush a good thing. Or you can, but then you'd wish you took your time.

So take your time and soak it all up while you still can.

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

I haven't had the courage to write or work on writing till now. ** TW: Death, grief **

I'm currently in Zambales, Philippines -- visiting my dad with my siblings. But not the way that I anticipated it. We had planned this originally as a vacation at the end of the year -- for the holidays, with sight-seeing and assurance that my dad is settling well into his new life back in the motherland.

Instead, I am here on the worst case scenario. I am seeing his life through the lens of his last year-wedded and now widowed wife, through his stepson, through his in-laws and neighbors and doctors and nurses. I am seeing him through his casket at his wake.

I am seeing remnants of him through his remaining clothes and well-kept sentimental photos and letters, through stories told in English as second language because he was fearful of teaching us Tagalog in America.

His wife said one of his biggest regrets was not teaching his kids Tagalog. I am saddened, because I always of course wanted to speak Tagalog, but never have I wished I could speak more than today. Than this trip to visit him after he died.

I wish I could speak the native tongue to the people who knew my dad here, who saw him every day or every week. Although his wife is interpreting a lot to English, there are nuances -- bits and pieces of dad that is being lost in translation. I want to grasp it all, to reach out and put it in my pocket for later to translate in my private silent time. But everything is moving much too fast and I am overstimulated being in a (foreign to me) country, place, tongue, weather, timezone, people, everything.

Not to mention the whirlwind you go through after over 22 hours of traveling. A grief portal that has transported me out of reality, literally entered into a different space and time.

I wish my dad was here to introduce all of these things to me himself. To make this transition more digestible, more tolerable, by slowly showing us places he loves and teaching us the culture and its ways. I kick myself when I think this, but I'm mad, I'm angry, I'm frustrated that he didn't throw up the bat signal to us kids that he wasn't doing well and that he could pass at any time.

My sister, brother, and I, moved hell and highwater to get here as soon as we found out. They needed same-day passports, I had to fly from Vegas to California, so we could fly all together to the Philippines. We all took time off of work and made it happen to attend his funeral and burial. We would've made it happen sooner if we had been alerted to how serious his health status was. My dad was always one to put on the brave face. His wife kept insisting he tell us he was really sick, that he was recently hospitalized, and he reassured her that he would tell us. He never got the chance to.

Anyways, it can't be changed. Who knows if there was any avoiding it from happening as it did. He had a heart attack and died quickly. Without much suffering or pain. It happened when he was getting up from bed. His wife was helping him up from bed, and he shouted that his chest hurt really badly. Moments later, in the arms of his wife, he took his last breath and went slack. She caught him, as teeny as she was, making sure he didn't slam onto the ground. She screamed for help and their next door neighbor who was a nurse tried to resuscitate him. The nurse was doing chest compressions and she was giving CPR even when vomit was coming out of his mouth.

He was dead upon arrival to the hospital... but they tried to give him two shots to kickstart his heart anyways. It was unsuccessful.

She video called me, wailing and screaming and hugging his lifeless corpse. Something in me shattered. All the plans and expectations of more time together no longer was possible. Everything I had wanted to say to him while alive, I would have to pray and now say to his spirit.

He was only 58 years old. He was too young. I am too young. We're all too young. I have never lost anyone close to me. I was just saying how lucky I am to have all my immediate loved ones still with me. I know it's not my fault, but I still feel guilty, like I jinxed it somehow. I know I didn't. There is no logical reasoning in this scenario and processing grief is something unmanageable. It will take you where it takes you. I know better than to fight it, so I let it move through me.

I am currently sitting on the couch he was sitting on, from one of his most recent pictures. We visited one of his favorite cafes and are eating his favorite foods he wanted us to try. We are staying at the villa he had planned for us to stay at for the holidays. I am meeting the people he spent time with regularly. Everyone has wonderful things to share about him and I know he was happy here -- happier than he was back in the States. His wake has many visitors, many people paying respects, many family and friends surrounding him playing games, sharing meals and laughter, with many kids running around. His wake is lively, full of life. He looks peaceful, almost as if he is smiling while laying in his casket. It looks like he could get up at any moment, like he's just taking a long sleep to wake up refreshed.

My dad lived a hard life and he deserved better. I know all of our family deserved better cards than we were dealt, but even then, I know he always tried his best. He was my father and I love him with my whole heart. No matter the complications or misunderstandings. Human life is messy. Hindsight is 20/20. There are so many things I would've changed if I knew better or if I had more capacity but I'm certain everyone feels that way.

I just wanted to write to let it out. Maybe my dad is reading this from above. He was a Christian and was prepared for death, believing it would send him to Heaven and be brought to eternal peace and fulfillment. I don't know what I am, but I choose to find comfort that he was comforted in that. His wife told us that he wasn't fearful of death -- that he was ready whenever God was ready to call on him. Maybe he already knew his time was coming. I wish he could've prepared us, his kids, that he had his suspicions. Maybe it was his form of fatherly love to protect us from the painful truth. But I love him anyway.

Dad, I have always loved you, will always love you, and will continue growing my love for you. Also, I'm proud of you. I'm proud to call you my dad. I know I'll write a lot more to you but I'm still here in Zambales before your burial tomorrow. So I will go soak it all up while I can and write back soon.

Love you, dad.

Sincerely,

Your first child, your eldest daughter, your Din-Din,

Nadine ♥

Me, myself, and I, talking to my Pagecord blog.

This is my first attempt at emailing to publish. I figure I might as well give it a try, since it's how the founder Olly uses it and also Sylvia.

I've been enjoying her posts a lot, and love the feature of the weekly digest.

Although I invested into a year with Ghost premium, I still can't shake how Pagecord just feels more lightweight for my needs. But I'm attached to the membership options of Ghost.

I'm just rambling, really, about how I feel like I chose the wrong medium, but it's also valuable to make a wrong decision. Better than making no decision which was where I felt like I was idling in.

Writing this out in email format does feel different, like I'm sending an email to meant for one person and that's it. And maybe that makes it more intimate, less pressure, which encourages more authenticity. More spilling of the beans and baring your soul.

Which is what I ultimately need. A release on the pressure cooker machine that is sometimes my brain. Writing always gets it out.

I don't want to have to optimize or worry about marketability or even regret how vulnerable I was. I just want my writing to be and to exist and if it helps someone else (because it surely helps me), then great.

Maybe I need to get back to basics and I'm pretending that I don't already know this. Maybe I'm stuck in the over-optimizing and future-bility of something that it's extracting from me instead of nurturing me.

My finances are improving where I'll be able to justify another blog premium if it serves me better, anyway.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Yet here this blog stands, and I am better for it. Thankful for it. Grateful that it exists and that it continues growing and developing. I don't have any children, but it does feel pride-making watching it grow!

To continued growth and health.

Write back soon!

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

Really keen on getting back to personal blogging. Been researching and studying so much lately that I haven't been creating and "outputting" as much!

I suppose that's part of life - discovering the seasons and the structure that's needed in each season.

Recently realized that a new Pagecord layout has spawned: cards! Trying it out now to see if I prefer this flow on my main page. (Edit: I have promptly changed it back to 'stream' because it feels more raw and true-to-me presentation lol)

Additionally, there is an option to add more pages which I haven't gotten around to quite yet. Must revisit my workflow / creative flow with my content. Somehow wanting to manage written, video, and art content...

So many ideas, and oh so little time. Tuesday has been a fun day for me to decompress. We'll get back to more writing and creating tomorrow.

Must also share a short write-up about my tattoo addition. Can't wait to share more about that!

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

Dreaming up my next tattoo addition (currently have an ongoing ornamental dot work piece covering my whole torso, handpoked style) and really wanted to implement some elements from the Night Elves in World of Warcraft.

I've been a fan of Night Elves since Warcraft III, but became a bit obsessed with their lore and way of life when WoW launched in 2004.

Before I moved in with my partner, my apartment WiFi and electronics had been named as a nod to Night Elf culture. When I adopted a kitty and couldn't think of a name, I turned to one of the leaders and named him after Malfurion Stormrage.

You can take the girl out of Teldrassil but you can't get the Teldrassil out of her, and such as.

Trinity - Illidan Stormrage, Tyrande Whisperwind, Malfurion Stormrage - by Glenn Rane

In my research, I found lovely roleplaying forums, servers, and guilds that kept the Night Elf fandom alive. It never occurred to me to join a community about my childhood fascination... like I didn't even know this was an option?!

Goes to show there is something for everyone out there, so long as you're willing to dig deep enough. To dream big enough. To be willing to create if it does not yet exist.

While my head cannot wrap around how game screenshots and game art can be translated into an ornamental dotwork tattoo design... I figured that's why they are a tattoo artist and I am the client? Hah!

Here are some fun art sources I shared with my tattoo artist to give her the vibe and aesthetic of Night Elves. I look forward to her design incorporating some elements.

The White Lady by Lemongrace

I was just so dang excited about this discovery and dreaming up my next tattoo addition that I wanted to document it here!

Perhaps I'll consider joining a NE roleplaying guild/server/forum of some sort out of this exploration, too. Yipeeeeee!

It's been a hot minute since I've hit up any of my personal blogs.

I will report that I managed to reach Day 108 of daily blogging (through my 'official' site) but I found myself at a standstill when a storm hit and put our power offline for 12 hours.

In the middle of a Vegas summer (notorious for over 100F weather), having no power meant no air conditioning. It was about 90F inside the home, items in the fridge were perishing, and no sleep was to be had until the power restored around 4 AM.

Safe to say, my normal routine of meditating and blogging wasn't top of mind. I was worried. Did we need to rent a hotel room and evacuate our family to safer temperatures? Thankfully, my partner and I had power banks charged and candles were lit to have some sight in the absolute darkness.

We checked our phones periodically to check the news and any updates from our electric company.

There was no ETA of restoration -- they said it could be up to or even more than 24 hours before restoration.

First world problems, I know, but ever since then I haven't returned back to my blogging practice. Until today, I suppose.

This event happened July 1st, which was a great way to break me out of my habits to form new ones.

Immense gratitude flushed my body when the power returned, the air conditioning kicked on, and we could retrieve cold water from our dispensing machine.

I believe everything happens for a reason -- though the more I think about it, it's probably more accurate to say that I refuse to let anything be meaningless.

While I smashed my 100 day blogging challenge, I was losing steam on daily blogging. Though I took it to another level by adding a daily doodle challenge and then by adding a daily tarot card pull challenge, the personal fulfillment was waning.

Thus, the perfect (literal) storm that knocked me offline and allowed some surprise quality time with my family was a blessing in disguise.

So many things have shifted for me since the start of July, and I fear these shifts are just the beginning.

I say 'fear' endearingly, because I know in life the only thing that is guaranteed is change. Might as well embrace the change and bedazzle it with optimism. Truth be told, I've tired from pessimistic ways and adding a bit of whimsy has been much more exciting than expecting doom and gloom.

Again, in my perspective, everything happens for a reason -- or at least, I'll find meaning in the seemingly random events that occur.

It's nice to return to Pagecord. I also received a kind message from a distant friend about how my small web endeavors inspired them to explore their own 'offbeats' interests.

It goes to show you'll never know who's watching, reading, and supporting you from afar. While I reflect on how I want to utilize my official site and how to engage in the big web mindfully, I do want to keep a presence in the small web and indie web spaces.

I would like to still keep a personal blog, and Pagecord keeps the pressure low. There's no overthinking and second-guessing on what the audience wants here, I write for me and me alone. As I return to service-based work, it is shocking how much my creative and personal process feels inundated by external variables.

It becomes even more clear as I return to mainstream social media: one must carve out time to create for oneself first and foremost. To have an online home that is a sanctuary, that is not overcrowded and noisy, a refuge from the hustle and bustle, away from the masses.

Here I am, learning the same lessons all over again, but with a new twist.

There's no place like home.

(Home being my little corner of the internet -- the small web that brings back what made the internet great in the first place).

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

Hi Pagecord!

Chiming in for my daily blog post, unfortunately without much time to write. Today, I have been slammed with organizing my digital content - specifically my Obsidian and all my work-in-progress drafts that have been hanging around in limbo.

Not only that, but I'm restoring my website and trying to figure out how the heck my workflow is going to look like. Lots of micro-decisions and that leads to quick decision fatigue for lil ol' me. I want to get to the more 'fun work' but setting up structure and reviewing my digital inventory is a necessary part of the work, too.

Also working on my tarot newsletter for the month of June while simultaneously trying to reflect on the month of May (an end of month practice I'm trying to integrate). My focus has seen better days than today, but that's why we have tomorrow. (At least, fingers crossed that I have tomorrow, no day is guaranteed!)

Great timing for a morbid joke, but I can't stay around for much longer. Have dinner to prepare and a sticky note to write where I last left off in my organizing tasks (so I don't completely forget by the time I reach my desk tomorrow morning).

Hope to write a lengthier post tomorrow!

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

Hi Pagecord!

Today has been a non-day, lots of rest and sleep. Even though Monday is my day off, I generally like to work on scheduling out the week ahead and working on projects if I can squeeze some productive time in, but today has not been that type of day.

Both my husband and I have been feeling pretty sick. I've been sick since last week, the day before my birthday, and looks like my partner has picked up some version of it, too. Body aches, congestion, mucus, low-grade fever, unexplainable fatigue.

I still want to continue my daily blogging streak, but days like this really make me wonder if I prefer lessening the blogging commitments. Maybe even taking off Mondays and doing 6 days a week of blogging, to give myself a full guilt-free day where I *don't* have to achieve something 'productive'.

Again, this daily blogging challenge is self-imposed and I feel like sometimes I am just rambling. But there is pride in fulfilling the daily blog, even if it's just to mark that I existed today and I kept going. It feels grounding, like an anchor to this Earth, to write and publish. Even if it is to the void.

This practice allows part of me to express without asking it to produce or achieve anything externally. It's an act of self-love, dedicating time to carve out words that act as a pressure valve. Releasing the steam and letting the inner fire cool. This is meditative in that way, ensuring I don't bottle up too much inside and let the emotions move energetically.

I'm sure someone could point to my blogs and dismiss or judge it for being 'pointless' or a 'waste of time', but if you enjoy something and get something out of it, even if minimal, is it really a waste of time? Maybe it's my equivalent to smoking cigarettes (which I vowed to never do, not even once, as a promise to my dad -- his dad died of lung cancer when he was only 10 due to chain-smoking cigarettes).

Let me have my smoke break in peace, yeah?

See -- even coming to that realization through the process of writing feels profound. Reaching a conclusion and drawing new bridges that highlight its importance... a writer, an artist listens and waits patiently for those connections to be revealed to them. It seems silly to me to not practice every single day, because if you're not, then you're missing valuable insights that deepen your craft. I want this craft to be my life, though I haven't figured out how monetarily/career-wise, so for now, I practice until I can't.

Taking a day off per week to not daily blog might be nice but... what am I going to do anyways? Likely wish that I wrote, even if it was a little bit, even if it was non-sensical, even if it was ultimately insignificant.

But gosh do I love writing, daily blogging, and just the freedom to write without consequence.

It's like wind underneath my wings. In another life, I would like to be a bird, taking flight as normal as drawing breath.

Enjoy life in every way you can.

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

Hello Pagecord!

You won't believe this, but I'm choosing to write my daily blog today by hand first. Of course, by the time you read this, it'll be transcribed and viewable on your digital screen of choice. Commentary about how ideas can travel far and wide before they are reached by another person.

I could be thinking these thoughts from an entirely different timeline (weeks, months, years) before you came across it. These thoughts have been on several mediums -- first energetically, then mentally, then physically written down, and transcribed and displayed through a sans-serif font. I don't know why these things always fascinate me. Perhaps this is utterly boring drivel but I am discovering in the boring and mundane lies greater truths that have always been present -- just unnoticed.

Like all the insects living underneath a rock -- there is so much life to be found carrying about its business in the soil and grass terrains. This Earth is brimming with so much life, and the Earth is such a beautiful home. Why not get acquainted with all that we tend to overlook?

In this curiosity, I am finding more belonging -- I am too one of Earth's creatures. How can I play the role that has been entrusted to me by the Earth? The Earth entrusts the earthworm to fertilize and aerate the soil, its body may nourish birds and their chicks. Both its life and death provides an essential function to keep the world spinning. So too must each person's life and death serve a purpose that goes beyond current comprehension.

These contemplations have no answers, nor do I prescribe any ideologies. I simply aim to observe and point out those observations. Maybe that's what my role is?

If you entertain the Human Design system, I'm a projector energy type. Following the function of an actual projector, it takes a certain thing or group of things and projects it outwards - to observe and see with intentional focus and magnification.

It would match with a lot of how I've naturally operated - I would hyper-fixate or flit from area to job to new subject until I found what I wanted to observe and study more deeply.

There is an intensity to my fixations and my projections. My varied experience aids in my pattern recognition and drawing links to topics and circumstances that may be overlooked in basic examinations.

All my contemplations and studies, my observations and witnessed scenarios and dynamics inform me -- inform my work, my creativity, my presence, and guidance.

My natural tendency is to look under those rocks, to understand the systems and hierarchy of nature, of humans, of all that I can hope to wrap my head around.

I guess wherever I've spent an enormous amount of time naturally is where my inherent talents lie. Yes, they lie in writing, art, the taboo, the psychological, the magick, spirituality, technology, and online communities. Innovation, other worlds and dimensions like fantasy and video games and world building in general really capture my attention.

Maybe I'm fascinated about what makes a world, and how so many worlds and pocket worlds can exist like a Russian doll in a Russian doll in a Russian doll.

What kind of world am I living in? What world do I want to build towards?

For the first time in a long time, I feel capable, courageous, and inspired to pursue this path of carving out my own little world. Everyone lives in different realities, right? Might as well do what I can to make mine as cozy and as authentic to my aspirations as much as possible.

Lots of world-building to do ahead. I've been live-streaming on TikTok Live again, and soon I'll return to Twitch Gaming as well. So looking forward to seeing how this all unfolds and documenting it through blogging everyday.

Cheers to the journey!

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

Hi Pagecord!

Some lovely news, Olly sent me an email (after I've been meaning to for the longest while) and amongst some kind words, he offered a premium trial of Pagecord. I was more than happy to accept the generous offer, and now I can flit around trying all the fun features. Maybe even post an image or two? I promise I won't go too crazy!

Oh, I can't resist the opportunity to share a Katerina Petrova gif. She's my favorite villain and I love her to bits. So with 'no rules', what features do I have now?

Given that the premium plan for an entire year is $20, it's a really tempting price to just full-send. I know I talk about price a lot, but it's because I feel like parting with my money is getting harder and harder these days with the economy. I'm sure many feel the same. I'm still determining what blog platform I want to commit to the most. So while I am on trial, I will take full advantage of the features and adopt Pagecord to my weekly, if not daily, workflows so I can really give it a good test run.

When I first started my daily blogging adventures on March 14th, I wasn't all that sure where I wanted to go. It's May 11th, marking day 58 of daily blogging, and I'm still just yapping away, sharing whatever comes up from the day.

I realize I'm going to have to focus up soon, to start driving my work and content to some umbrella, some direction to help encourage readership. I know, I know, I initially started out blogging just for me and I will definitely keep doing that. I also want to expand and consider blogging for you, too. That means I have to determine the "you" who would benefit from reading a blog post. Yes, that'll be more biz/work-related, but don't question or quote me on anything, I haven't gotten that far, okay?!

Welp, now that I've sufficiently yapped and expressed my gratitude, I'm going to hit the showers and continue working on my live-streaming schedule. Yes, I'm getting back to TikTok livestreams (mostly Tarot and chatting) and then Twitch livestreams (I'll be playing Baldur's Gate 3, first playthrough).

I'm looking forward to ending this month strong!

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

It's been awhile since I've written on Pagecord.

There still is a place in my heart for it, even though Pika has taken over as my favorite platform for now. I still plan to use all my blogs, it's just so fun hopping to and fro and the feel of each blog is different.

I transitioned to writing on my phone now. There are some hiccups writing on the native editor, like the ever expanding text body. If I type or write enough, I’ll have to scroll down to continue having visibility on what I’m writing. This ends up disrupting my workflow and my stream of consciousness.

Another hiccup is I always have to set the post date manually, as the time zone isn’t an adjustable setting and I’m guessing it’s on the founder’s time zone for everyone.

$20 for an entire year sounds so tempting, though, and perhaps I can isolate my writing to my Obsidian app first and then copy and paste it in the native editor. I could also technically email it to Pagecord, but that’s still a feature I’d prefer avoiding. I’m still set up on gmail but someday, I’m imagining that I’ll get off of Gsuite and find my way onto another email platform where I might enjoy Pagecord’s email feature.

I haven’t made much progress on the Fediverse + Mastodon or the omg.lol services. I’ve been pretty burnout, it’s been a busy month and it only feels like it’ll get busier.

Omg.lol has a weblog service as well, and I considered using it but the setup is more time consuming than I’d like and it doesn’t bring me joy. And if it doesn’t bring me joy and is mostly frustrating, then why continue?

Saving money is a noble cause; an excuse I give myself to try do the harder thing even if it is lackluster. But then I end up losing out on money *and* time because sad attempts at brute forcing result in me spending the money I would've saved once I have exhausted all my patience.

Not even sure what I’m getting to now, so I’ll draw this post to a close now.

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

Hi Pagecord!

You may have noticed I didn't post yesterday. That was a compromise I had to make due to time constraints. I wrote a little more about that decision on my Bear blog today, but after opening up Pagecord, I feel this sense of preciousness. A fierce need to protect and hold onto Pagecord.

Despite my announcements to focus on Pika, I still believe in Pagecord and want to stick around and to continue seeing its development.

I saw an email update that the Pagecord creator, Olly, is messing around with some theme options. That is very exciting news and developments indeed. The mint theme is very pleasing to the eye, and a few theme options for the blog are always fun to freshen up the style every now and then.

As I found my way to Olly's personal blog and started reading through the posts, I found a random surprise! A post reflecting on Pagecord's current state, that references my own post of experimenting with Pagecord.

It will never not strike me as exciting, odd, and surprising to find yourself referenced and linked without even knowing. This makes me wonder: how many times has this happened?

Only a few months ago, I randomly found a Thread post of mine, screenshotted and put on front and center of a sales page: MakersFlow. (Just checked now, the page has been updated but the screenshot of my positive review is still there, just a bit further down the page.)

These instances of serendipity brings me joy. Thanks Olly, and thanks Paul (of MakersFlow).

This reinforces my desire to keep up with Pagecord. And considering how affordable the price is for a one year buy-in, it's making me rethink my decisions here.

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

How can it be that I fall in love with multiple blogging platforms? Aren't we supposed to have our one true epic love and commit to them with undying loyalty for life?

Perhaps it's not so easy and simple as that... and truly, nuance is both complex and sexy to me. Life is often a mixed bag of oopsies and "welp, good enough"s!

Speaking of which, I should follow up on some emails and actually reach out to Olly to share my appreciation of Pagecord directly.

I still like the idea of using Pagecord as a daily write-up, more informal / study notes about what I'm working on behind the scenes while leaving other platforms for more attempts of 'polished' writings.

Without rhyme or reason, I really want Pagecorders to be a thing. Pagecord is nice. It deserves love and support. I don't ever see myself using the blog through email feature, but there's still so much to like about Pagecord.

Maybe I'm deluded, but that's what love is sometimes, right? Not to twist the knife in deeper, but I remember an old co-worker who would claim Chris Evans was her husband. She would not listen when others mentioned him publicly dating another person who decidedly wasn't her.

I can have my fantasies, too, okay? It might not be for anyone listed on "Sexiest Man Alive", but for indie projects that have their heart and efforts in the right places. And the indie devs behind them deserve their flowers, too.

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

I definitely feel silly blog hopping and writing in the same headspace to maintain today's daily blogging streak.

My ideal approach to writing in these three blogs is to write at different intervals of the day. By approaching writing this way, I can explore how my mindset and emotions fluctuate throughout the day. The ability to review my blog posts at a later time gives me lots of insight into what I found important enough to write about and what I tend to omit.

It's a great way to better understand myself and my process. I haven't explored much outside of personal journaling, but I will eventually try my hand at writing short stories, poetry, and various types of essays.

Here is my little bullet list of updates for the day:

This past month, I honestly haven't socialized outside of my yoga classes. I felt the need to be solely solo in the beginning of this creative/returning to wholeness process. To not be distracted or swayed by any external influences and just write as much as I could, to 'see what stuffs I was made up of'.

I wanted to do this for me, but it resulted in me going AWOL. This is not something I'm proud of, and this is something I'd like to improve. To at least reach out to friends once a week, to let them know what's going on, to let them know that I'm thinking of them and I'm grateful for them.

A part of me was afraid of chickening out and not being as vulnerable in my writings, especially if I knew my friends were reading it. Sometimes, you have to walk alone before walking together, I guess?

Okay, now it's officially 10:53 PM and I still haven't had dinner.

That's the write-up for today, will come back tomorrow!

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥

Pagecord is getting the first write-in of the day.

Some updates:

Since it's only 5 PM, I'm sure there'll be more notes to share. Perhaps I should open up Pagecord as a draft and post when I close for the night.

This will mean using the 'draft' feature of a blog, which I have not utilized yet. All of my posts across three blogs have been published and concluded in one sitting. Light editing - so that I do not scare myself out of posting at all.

Moving the needle in making more structure in my blog is kind of hard. I want to commit to expanding one completely but here I am, still posting to 3 blogs daily.

It'll take some time, but I can manage fleshing out one home blog with a hub for all my other blogging efforts.

Some day, it'll all piece together. For now, I'm recognizing the pieces and putting them aside until their connection becomes more clear.

This also reminds me that one of my local libraries allows for picture puzzle rentals. I haven't done one since I was a kid and I don't necessarily want to start collecting them, I'm trying to be more minimalist than maximalist. I'll make a mental (and blog note here) to rent a puzzle soon.

Then, I can take pictures and update my progress in blog form. I just love the idea of a blog.

I wanted to do a YouTube vlog, as I posted my first vlog finally, after revamping my old channel. But the thought of getting on camera is too exhausting.

Why can't I just write? And express through drawing forms? Of course, there is nothing holding me back to doing that besides myself.

I'm still untraining myself to prioritize what the algorithm wants: removing my "shoulds" of making short form content like IG reels and YT shorts, making video content in general (since it is favored over images), but even posting images on IG has been an arduous task.

The progress to becoming myself is unfolding each day, each time I recognize these reactions in play, I can tell myself: no, make a different decision, one that is more authentic to who you are.

I'm afraid that I'm taking the easy way out, that I'm becoming more and more of a sloth and "choosing" to be lazy. Yet, there are two arguments to that:

Where do I land and with all of these contemplations, what do I do with them, and how do they help me in my overall embodiment journey and finding financial stability?

This is a question I will be asking for a long time, if not for the rest of my life.

At least I'm committing to finding answers, seeking within as much as searching for like-minded community.

These efforts will be fruitful, I trust and have faith.

It's just a matter of time, of patience, and a little bit of luck.

I'm more determined than ever, thankfully.

That doesn't sound like the attitude of a "lazy" person.

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine ♥