Too Determined to be "Lazy"
Pagecord is getting the first write-in of the day.
Some updates:
Some updates:
- My Mastodon account on sunny.garden was approved!
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https://sunny.garden/@newmoonnadine
- I haven't posted anything yet. I'm not ready to post yet. Still understanding Mastodon and its different servers/instances.
-
https://sunny.garden/@newmoonnadine
- Sent a few emails out to bloggers (subject: a note of appreciation).
- It feels so neat typing up emails to people. Like the digital equivalent of writing a letter by hand.
- Learning what it means to be AUDHD.
- This is a self-identification, and one I've been slowly understanding for the past 3-4 years.
- I would like to get a formal diagnosis, but it is currently out of reach.
- Understanding the label versus embodying it is different, I realize. I think my efforts in embodiment have been hitting blockers because I haven't acknowledged/claimed/recognized my AUDHD tendencies with the weight that is necessary for wholeness.
- None of this is said or taken lightly, I am actively working on identification. This includes analyzing what resonates with my day-to-day mannerisms and my life trends through self-awareness efforts like journaling, blogging, etc.
- Neurodivergence is 100% guaranteed, it's just a manner of how they present and manifest in me.
- Lots of sighing and indecision about committing to a blog
- Yesterday, I said I wanted to go all-in on my Pika blog but I still have some doubts. Why am I like this? Probably an attitude of the above self-labeling (AUDHD, that's why).
- I ran around the backyard this afternoon like a kid at recess. It was good, silly fun. Sometimes we need to be a little kid running around without a care in the world. It was a sunny, cool breezy afternoon -- lots of birds chirping and flowers falling off of trees. A very beautiful day!
- Intense moments of gratitude and happiness for the peaceful life I'm living with my husband and 2 kitties.
- Dread about how I can find a career/financial stability that can honor my body's need for space, rest, and solo-working (and most likely, remote working, too).
- Fear associated with not producing much financially, threatening my sense of self-worth, but I'm becoming better at untangling these two concepts
- Appreciation for my partner who is patient and accepting of my recovery from burnout
- Curious about the spirit of hokku
- Also found on dogboy's blog
Since it's only 5 PM, I'm sure there'll be more notes to share. Perhaps I should open up Pagecord as a draft and post when I close for the night.
This will mean using the 'draft' feature of a blog, which I have not utilized yet. All of my posts across three blogs have been published and concluded in one sitting. Light editing - so that I do not scare myself out of posting at all.
Moving the needle in making more structure in my blog is kind of hard. I want to commit to expanding one completely but here I am, still posting to 3 blogs daily.
It'll take some time, but I can manage fleshing out one home blog with a hub for all my other blogging efforts.
Some day, it'll all piece together. For now, I'm recognizing the pieces and putting them aside until their connection becomes more clear.
This also reminds me that one of my local libraries allows for picture puzzle rentals. I haven't done one since I was a kid and I don't necessarily want to start collecting them, I'm trying to be more minimalist than maximalist. I'll make a mental (and blog note here) to rent a puzzle soon.
Then, I can take pictures and update my progress in blog form. I just love the idea of a blog.
I wanted to do a YouTube vlog, as I posted my first vlog finally, after revamping my old channel. But the thought of getting on camera is too exhausting.
Why can't I just write? And express through drawing forms? Of course, there is nothing holding me back to doing that besides myself.
I'm still untraining myself to prioritize what the algorithm wants: removing my "shoulds" of making short form content like IG reels and YT shorts, making video content in general (since it is favored over images), but even posting images on IG has been an arduous task.
The progress to becoming myself is unfolding each day, each time I recognize these reactions in play, I can tell myself: no, make a different decision, one that is more authentic to who you are.
I'm afraid that I'm taking the easy way out, that I'm becoming more and more of a sloth and "choosing" to be lazy. Yet, there are two arguments to that:
This will mean using the 'draft' feature of a blog, which I have not utilized yet. All of my posts across three blogs have been published and concluded in one sitting. Light editing - so that I do not scare myself out of posting at all.
Moving the needle in making more structure in my blog is kind of hard. I want to commit to expanding one completely but here I am, still posting to 3 blogs daily.
It'll take some time, but I can manage fleshing out one home blog with a hub for all my other blogging efforts.
Some day, it'll all piece together. For now, I'm recognizing the pieces and putting them aside until their connection becomes more clear.
This also reminds me that one of my local libraries allows for picture puzzle rentals. I haven't done one since I was a kid and I don't necessarily want to start collecting them, I'm trying to be more minimalist than maximalist. I'll make a mental (and blog note here) to rent a puzzle soon.
Then, I can take pictures and update my progress in blog form. I just love the idea of a blog.
I wanted to do a YouTube vlog, as I posted my first vlog finally, after revamping my old channel. But the thought of getting on camera is too exhausting.
Why can't I just write? And express through drawing forms? Of course, there is nothing holding me back to doing that besides myself.
I'm still untraining myself to prioritize what the algorithm wants: removing my "shoulds" of making short form content like IG reels and YT shorts, making video content in general (since it is favored over images), but even posting images on IG has been an arduous task.
The progress to becoming myself is unfolding each day, each time I recognize these reactions in play, I can tell myself: no, make a different decision, one that is more authentic to who you are.
I'm afraid that I'm taking the easy way out, that I'm becoming more and more of a sloth and "choosing" to be lazy. Yet, there are two arguments to that:
- I've chosen the hard way out so many times, why not allow myself some easy ways out?
- Lazy is a definition based on the glorification of productivity according to capitalistic and colonialist standards...
Where do I land and with all of these contemplations, what do I do with them, and how do they help me in my overall embodiment journey and finding financial stability?
This is a question I will be asking for a long time, if not for the rest of my life.
At least I'm committing to finding answers, seeking within as much as searching for like-minded community.
These efforts will be fruitful, I trust and have faith.
It's just a matter of time, of patience, and a little bit of luck.
I'm more determined than ever, thankfully.
That doesn't sound like the attitude of a "lazy" person.
Thanks for being here.
Sincerely,
Nadine ♥